Unpleasent Headspace
Last Thursday in the early morning I woke up in what felt like mid-thought. I realized later it was someone else’s thoughts or a conversation I stumbled upon inside. On the way to drop the Kid off at school, I felt panicked and weepy. Not _I_ precisely, but the emotion lingered in the body.
It returned later that night when sex came about. I yelled at those who were panicking to leave the front space if they had a problem with it. They didn’t and became more triggered by the situation, making sex not so much fun.
Friday was much the same. With an afternoon of feeling panicked. It was strange, feeling so panicked on the inside, yet not reacting on the outside. That’s somewhat of my job.
I ended Friday at work, feeling frustrated with my situation. No one will/can tell what is causing these feelings. I feel like this near-mannequin fronter who is supposed to have no feelings, no reactions, no knowledge. I am to only exist for the good of the collective, to be the face of the whole.
I’m confused. After 8 or 9 years of living like this. I’ve not scratched the surface of what it means to be multiple.
Transcribed by Tara Y from asrai
