Last Thursday in the early morning I woke up in what felt like mid-thought. I realized later it was someone else’s thoughts or a conversation I stumbled upon inside. On the way to drop the Kid off at school, I felt panicked and weepy.  Not _I_ precisely, but the emotion lingered in the body.

It returned later that night when sex came about. I yelled at those who were panicking to leave the front space if they had a problem with it. They didn’t and became more triggered by the situation, making sex not so much fun.

Friday was much the same. With an afternoon of feeling panicked. It was strange, feeling so panicked on the inside, yet not reacting on the outside. That’s somewhat of my job.

I ended Friday at work, feeling frustrated with my situation. No one will/can tell what is causing these feelings. I feel like this near-mannequin fronter who is supposed to have no feelings, no reactions, no knowledge. I am to only exist for the good of the collective, to be the face of the whole.

I’m confused. After 8 or 9 years of living like this. I’ve not scratched the surface of what it means to be multiple.

Transcribed by Tara Y from asrai

So, last December I realize I’m done all my coursework except for … my practicums.

So I get that moving along.  Before I can start they have to have my contract signed by the local school board so I’m covered by worker’s compensation and it’s all well and legal for me to work in a school.

Great, grand? Makes sense?

Well, it’s the end of January the school district hasn’t gotten back to my college. The joys of distance education but anyway my college is not in the same city where I live.

So I mentioned that I’d given up to my daughter’s Kindergarten teacher who mentions it to the principal who emails the superintendent who hadn’t heard anything from my college. NO wonder they couldn’t get the contract signed. No one’s heard of it. *sigh* so anyway, hopefully this has gotten the ball rolling and I can work 2 jobs. Because I really want to.

So, two years ago we found Anna, who was screaming in a panic. We assumed at first she was rather self-destructive and very afraid of sex.

In working on her self-destruction, we came to a compromise that we’d get her books for her age range (she’s about 13) for her to read. That would be constructive activity. She’s also got a thing for gum. Anyway ….

I thought she was also a protector for someone else either Kristina, Karina or Nicole. I still can’t get a grasp on the exact names, or perhaps they are all there.

I currently believe, as of last night, that Anna has a system of her own. I’ve heard of systems within systems. I have to explore this more, when I have time and energy. The body is going through some major PMS so it’s bringing up more issues than I can handle right now.

I think Anna’s system were witness to the abuse/took it. Whatever you want to say. So there are memories, which has become an obession with me.

So there are tons of other stuff going on in here, but I don’t have time to write about it. I’m in the midst of NaNo!

The Asrai are a collective of beings inhabiting one body. We have been a collective since the body was 3. The first inhabitant of the body is unknown. She created Pattie around body age 3. Pattie subsquently created the current front “asrai” around body age 4-5. asrai was unware of the shared body until she was 18. Anna had some influence over the years, as she was able to “co front” undetected. asrai is unable to leave front. And, details of sexual abuse endured have been hidden from her for protective reasons.

The next several posts will be asrai’s experience in the body so far. A narrative timeline of her life. (asrai is also on the personality continuum, having a younger and older aspect. See “median” on this page: Glossary of multiple terms. This could be a full split, it’s unsure at this time).